Purdy’s Diary - Care in my Community?
SATURDAY Well, once again I'm at my holiday carer's. No one asked me if I wished to join them on their Spanish holiday - anyone would think the desire to escape an English winter was peculiar to human beings! I tried to explain that my genes are better suited to tropical climes than theirs are but Fr Simon said that, as a non working animal, I didn't deserve a holiday. Apparently starting a schism doesn't count as work! Nevertheless, being a philosophical guinea pig, I shall make the best of things. At least my paws are more comfortable after that terrifying nail clipping ordeal.

MONDAY I had barely settled in and adapted to the change of newspapers and television programmes when I heard she was going away to Bath for two days. I am to be left entirely alone, though I did hear her arranging to leave a key with a neighbour, so that in the event of fire or flood I shall be rescued. That is some consolation, but, supposing I run out of food? And what am I to do for company and entertainment? I may grumble about the cockatiels, but Boyd is always good for an argument and I quite enjoy hearing Fluffy going on about the dreadful immorality of those rabbits outside. It can't have occurred to my holiday carer that I shall have no television, radio or newspapers while she's away, nor will I be able to listen in to telephone conversations. I'm beginning to think that the title 'carer' is a misnomer.

WEDNESDAY I have spent much of the last two days asleep, waking only to dig into the supply of food she's left in my cage. It is now all eaten, so she'd better come back quickly. When awake I have been thinking more about my schism. Readers may remember that I have decided to start one in protest against the eating of guinea pigs. I advertised it on the internet and have had a few replies, mainly from other guinea pigs, all without exception owned by clerics. This shows an appalling ignorance of church affairs among guinea pigs with secular owners. I don't know whether to blame their parents, the media or the increasing secularisation of our society. I'm glad to report that my holiday carer returned this evening and immediately replenished both my food bowls and fed me on lettuce while we watched Newsnight . Things may be looking up.

THURSDAY I was reading about schisms in her copy of the Guardian this morning and came upon a group some of the schismatics belong to called 'GAFCON' I thought that was a remedy for indigestion, but perhaps belonging to a schism is very stressful. I shall have to be careful. I also read that some of them are boycotting the Lambeth Conference this year and are having their own instead, so I suppose I shall have to organise one for my schism. It's turning out to be harder work than I imagined. The anti gay schism has bagged Jerusalem for their conference so I shall have to think of somewhere less central and preferably in Europe, as I'm not sure how safe it is for guinea pigs in other continents.

SATURDAY I watched a programme about Benidorm yesterday and was very impressed. It looks nice and hot with lots of cheap hotels with swimming pools, in fact an ideal place for a conference. Not that I or any other guinea pig delegate would wish to avail themselves of the pools, but I gather humans like them .. We have cousins, of course - the coypus - that live in water and swim all the time in South America, but they are at even more risk there than guinea pigs. Living in water they are counted as fish so they get eaten in large numbers on Fridays. Though perhaps this practice has stopped now that the church has lifted the Friday meat ban. But I digress, Unfortunately my holiday career isn't on the Internet, so I can't start booking hotels in Benidorm till I get back to the vicarage.

TUESDAY Fr Simon came to fetch me this evening. He looked slightly tanned and I gather the holiday has been a success. They were even able to relax their Lenten alcohol and meat abstinence - by treating Sundays as weekdays and saving them up for their week's holiday! Human beings are quite ingenious at times - I think similar things were done with food and clothing coupons in the war. When we got back to the vicarage, Boyd welcomed me with, 'How's the schism going?' 'We're going to have our conference in Benidorm; I said. 'Not very classy;' he said, 'Fluffy's worrying about how she's going to Jerusalem for hers. Me, I'm staying right here. Humanists don't have schisms'.

FRIDAY I've had several emails about my schism, mainly from other guinea pigs. Those from the Affirming the Carrot party - our liberal wing - are enthusiastic but members of Foraging for Food are more cautious. They say they can't affirm the rights of guinea pigs not to be eaten until it's been ratified by the Universal Church. I reply to each one, suggesting they let themselves be guided by enlightened self interest.

SUNDAY EASTER DAY Things have been so hectic at the vicarage I haven't been able to write my diary for over a week. There have been constant comings and goings to and from church, choir rehearsals, and the purchase of hot cross buns and Easter eggs. Of course, as usual, I wasn't allowed to participate. They say it was Easter they were celebrating but, judging by the weather, I'd have thought it was Christmas. Yesterday they said they were going out for the Easter Vigil, but as there was thick snow I thought it was probably Midnight Mass. Anyway, it all seems to have gone very well as Fr Simon is in a very good mood. And Fr Simon and a Rosy member of the choir cooked lunch for everyone today which I understand was delicious – even I was treated to the carrot peelings!

FRIDAY There is a letter in the Church Times today from a Sheffield cleric urging the schismatics to attend the Lambeth conference to take issue with the 'false teachers'. He says that if Archbishop Cranmer hadn't argued with the authorities he wouldn't have been burnt at the stake. (I thought he recanted but was still burnt and recanted his recantation as he was burnt). The letter writer seemed to be saying that being burnt at the stake was a good thing and likely to happen if you didn't conform...Well, it may be a good thing but I wouldn't like to be burnt at the stake or any of my fellow schismatics to be. If this is what starting schisms can lead to, I must certainly rethink my position. I am not made of heroic stuff. There are, after all, other ways to become famous. Maybe I should try for TV celebrity status instead. After all, I do have connections ....

Purdy