Purdy’s Diary
Fresh Eggs and Expressions
MONDAY I am still sulking at having been relegated from Fr Simon's study to the confines of the conservatory. I know that I wasn't in the study for long, but while I was there I noticed a strange thing. Fr Simon has been complaining about the need to lose some weight. I noticed that he seems to spend a large part of the day sitting at his desk and staring at a little box thingy on the desk while wiggling his fingers. This is obviously some form of human exercise! Guinea pigs exercise by running around their cage or, when we are let down onto the floor, we tend to run like things possessed! Whatever the nature of this exercise, the annoying clicking, and the movement of the fingers doesn't seem to be working if the intention is to lose weight – I hesitate to suggest – but I think he has put some on!
TUESDAY It is very cold in this wretched conservatory, especially as it has been snowing. Global warming? I think they have got it totally wrong – global cooling, if you ask me! I am shivering in the very back of my bed box, trying in vain to gather what is left of the straw around me for warmth. Of course if I could resist the tasty nourishment of the straw, I would be able to use it for warmth, but it is just too tempting to munch away at it in my bed box rather than being bothered to venture out into the cold to find what food that has been left in my cage. I miss the cosiness of the study, and don't think I don't know who is to blame for our exodus – it is those wretched troublesome cockatiels Fluffy and Boyd! Fr Simon was quite right – they did nothing but squabble and fight all the time, and in desperation, he did indeed move them out so that he could work in peace. But that is not the point! Why are all the animals of the vicarage to be treated in the same manner? Some of us are peace-loving individuals - providing I don't set eyes one another guinea pig and my territory has to be protected I am docile and peaceful. I feel as if I have been excluded from the Garden of Eden. I now know how Adam and Eve felt, only this time it is not my disobedience that has cast me out, it is that of those wretched birds! It is one thing to share the sin of Adam – another to share the sin of Fluffy and Boyd!
WEDNESDAY Is it me, or has the Church suddenly become full of acronyms? Fr Simon came briefly into the conservatory today to read the Church Times, and, finding it too cold to sit in comfort (see above!) he left hastily for a warmer part of the vicarage, and in his haste he left the Church Times open on the floor. What a carry on! GAFCON, NEAC5, CEEC – I am not unintelligent, and I have tried to understand what has been going on in the Anglican Communion and it now seems that there are so many groups and factions vying for ascendancy that it is difficult to keep up with it all. But I know one thing – all these factions mean trouble for the C of E. Reading further I understand that there have been arguments, plottings and resignations. It is all too terrible to contemplate. There will be trouble!
THURSDAY Fr Simon went to that nice Fr Parkinson's church for their Patronal Festival. I have been told that the parish of Ryecroft is 'full faith' (this must be said in hushed tones) and I hope that Fr Simon has absorbed some of the sanctity that he will have experienced there. It is about time! But when he came home, while chatting to the bed changer, I gather that someone called the 'Bishop's Chaplain' had preached about St Nicholas. Apparently tradition maintains that the goodly saint had been at the Council of Nicea in 325 AD and, in an ugly altercation with the heretic Arius, Nicholas, in a fit of rage had grabbed him by the throat! The preacher suggested that this was obviously a 'Fresh Expression' of Church!
FRIDAY I am glad to have had this term 'fresh expressions' explained to me for there seems to be much of it around in the Church at the moment! There are the acronyms and various groups and I suspect that this Fresh Expressions thing has an ecumenical perspective as well. While Fr Simon was watching the news an item of news was screened concerning the church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. It is a very holy place (holier even than St Nicholas' Ryecroft!) and reputedly the place where Jesus was crucified. It seems that during a service that Greek and Armenian Orthodox priests fell out with each other, they had an argument and that a fight ensued. I craned my neck to see the TV and the pictures showed clergy hitting each other with candlesticks and thuribles. I have never witnessed this behaviour in church before (although I understand that it is more common than one would think), and obviously Fr Harbord was right – it is a fresh expression! I thought that these were ugly scenes and would have nothing to do with mission and evangelism – but I was wrong! Apparently police came rushing to the church in their droves. We were obviously misled by the media – this must have been a cunning missiological initiative to convert members of the Police Force to Christianity en masse (if you'll excuse the expression!) Being an intelligent Guinea Pig and not at all physical (unless of course another Guinea Pig strays onto my territory when I will defend it to the death!) - I do not understand this tactic. Surely rational debate and reason would have had more effect? How silly of me! Had they used this tried and tested peaceful means it certainly would not have gained the media attention it did! There may be more to this 'fresh expressions' than I at first envisaged.
SATURDAY There has been rejoicing in the Diocese today. I overheard Fr Simon telling someone that there has been an announcement from 'Number 10' that we are to have a new bishop. I was immediately thankful to think that the Bishop's chaplain who has obviously had nothing to do since the last bishop retired would again have some gainful employment! Apparently, if I have got it right, he is the Archbishop's advisor on fresh eggs! One of the things that I did notice during my short sojourn in Fr Simon's study was that, among the Patricia Cornwall and Tom Sharpe books that there was the occasional theological tome. I enjoyed a brief moment browsing through some of them and found that in a book called 'Thomas Cranmer' by Diarmaid McCulloch the author goes into incredible detail about all aspects of the archiepiscopal household, including who was in charge of the food. Archbishop Rowan is obviously a highly shrewd person and it is quite natural that a highly responsible person is put in charge of his digestive well being and nutritious requirements. I look forward to advice from Church House about the cooking of delicate souffles and eggs benedict rather than as the advert said years ago 'friend or boiled'!
SUNDAY I must make an appointment to go and see the doctor! I know that I am getting older, but I think that I must have heard incorrectly. Apparently the new bishop is not the advisor in 'fresh eggs' but 'fresh expressions'! I do wish that Fr Simon would speak more clearly – the congregation at St Matthew's must find it very difficult to hear what he says in his sermons – mind you, if they can't hear him, they have had a lucky escape if you ask me! My apologies! I notice that there has been some discussion and articles in the Church Times recently about catholic parishes being suspicious of 'fresh expressions'. Plenty of arguments to be had over liturgical matters in most catholic parishes no doubt to be bothered with converting policemen and women! Given what has been said of fresh expressions so far, what am I to think? I understand the Diocesan Bishops are sometimes called upon to chair Diocesan synod meetings, does this mean in the context of fresh expressions that our new bishop will act as referee at a sort of diocesan wrestling match? He is obviously going to have his work cut out and we had all better pray very hard for him and his family as he prepares to take on this onerous task.
MONDAY It is so sweet. The bedchanger un-grudgingly makes sure that the wild birds in the garden are well. Fighting my natural instincts to see off any animals who might be a rival for the affection of the human inhabitants of the vicarage, I am pleased to see that he gets such pleasure from seeing the birds feeding. He has even gone to all the trouble to personally make some 'fat balls' which he has hung from some trees in the garden. Imagine my disgust therefore to notice an intruder – Sammy the squirrel - who had inveigled his way into the garden and was hanging UPSIDE DOWN in one of the trees helping himself to one of the fat balls! This is clearly MY TERRITORY and I am seething with indignation! Now it is bad enough that I have to endure cute wild birds getting the attention of the humans – but Sammy the squirrel! I can quite understand why groups within the church are so territorial. Sammy and I will be having words – more if he doesn't clear off!
TUESDAY I have received sad news today. Apparently, sister Susie, the one remaining Guinea Pig at St Catherine's after sister Gemma sadly died, is ill with cancer. I am stunned. All this talk of disagreement in the church has sidetracked me from the really important things. Why is it that silly squabbles get in the way of the important things? I understand that Fr Loxley and the congregation at St Catherine's are deeply upset. Having made further enquiries I gather that Susie is quite comfortable, that there is nothing wrong with her appetite and that love and palliative care are being offered. It takes something like this to make us all realise what our priorities ought to be. My thoughts and best wishes to Susie and her keepers.
WEDNESDAY The bed changer has a strange calendar hanging up in the kitchen. Of course as befits a vicarage with such a celebrity resident such as myself, there is a Guinea Pig calendar also on the wall so that we may tell what day and date it is – but this calendar is special. I am told that it is an 'Advent Calendar' and that it counts down the days to Christmas. Perhaps I had better leave the events of the church of the Holy Sepulchre and concentrate on the Church of the Holy Nativity – obviously a far more beneficial image on which to concentrate at this time of year. I have heard that to enter the place where it is thought that Christ was born, that you have to enter on your knees through a low door. Perhaps the world would be a better place if more people spent more time on their knees in prayer and less time on their feet in conflict! Let this be my message for Advent – there is enough trouble within the C of E as it is, and, if you ask me, we are better concentrating on he who became incarnate for us and who willingly gave himself for us. A Merry Christmas to all my readers!
Masses Monday - Friday 12:30 p.m Saturday 8:30 a.m
